Friday, April 19, 2013

New Elephants on the Table

How many elephants does it take to update a periodic table?

(So far.)

It’s been ten years since my wife suggested, rather emphatically, that I put all of my ele-mental elephant jokes into a comic mnemonic called the Periodic Table of the Elephants.

That was ten years ago. (Wait, I said that already. Need more mnemonics.)

In the meantime, the Almighty Potentates of Chemical Nomenclature have decided to name five new elephants, er, elements. Atoms holding positions # 110, 111, 112, 114 and 116 on the Table have now been christened with new titles by a joint working party of the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) and the International Union of Pure and Applied Physics (IUPAP).

Frankly, I’m a little IUPUT out.

Did the IUPAC or the IUPAP bother to call me, even once, to ask for my INPUT on the naming process? No, they did not. As a result, none of the elephantal appellations that occupy these positions on our original pachyderm chart was adopted.

So, back away from the Table, Republicum, Ivorium, Tuscaloosum, Trunkium and Memorium. You’ve been unceremoniously retired. Go away. Blame the IUPOOPS, not me.

Pull up a chair, Darmstadtium, Roentgenium, Copernicium, Flerovium, and Livermorium. Welcome. Your seats are assured in IPERPETUITY.
An endowment for the ongoing support of the retired Elephants has been established in the General Funds section of the DS Art corporate checking account, which will be periodically (sic) maintained via proceeds from purchases of the few Original Periodic Table of the Elephants posters that remain in stock. 

While supplies last.

The New, Improved, and Updated version of the Periodic Table of the Elephants will appear on store shelves worldwide, or at least on the DS Art website, in short order, after I pause to collect myself.

Any further emotions will be tabled until our next meeting.

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